Pardon Me While I Burst Into Flames, 2020 Edition

I have to say that I love me some 90’s alternative rock tunes. I managed a music store back in the day (remember those relics?) and had access to some groundbreaking music and bands. Retail is one of the worst jobs in history, but listening to new music all day made it an infinitely more enjoyable experience.

Fast forward to the here and now- I’ll be driving in my car and I can be seen sing-screaming at the top of my lungs so vehemently at times that once in a while, I get flipped the bird when I drive past people; I guess because they think I am yelling at them. I give them a huge smile and wave as I speed on past. Makes me laugh every time.

One of the selling points of my newest car was the 18 speakers throughout. Priorities, people. Yes, mine are a bit skewed, but what is life without us quirky, slightly ridiculous individuals? To me, there’s nothing more freeing than feeling a song pulsing through my blood, and letting it engulf my mind and soul with its magic.

One of my favorite bands from the 90’s (they were actually big after Y2K as well, just to be precise) is Incubus; they had a unique sound, some really meaningful lyrics, and I love the singer’s voice. Today I heard ‘Pardon Me’ and if this song doesn’t sum up this fucking shitstorm of a year, I don’t know what does. An excerpt-

I guess that it comes with the territory An ominous landscape of never ending calamity I need you to hear I need you to see that I have had all that I can take And exploding seems like a definite possibility to me

So pardon me while I burst into flames I've had enough of the world and it's people's mindless games So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame Pardon me, pardon me, I'll never be the same.

A prescient tribute to a time that had not yet occurred; this current year that has now forever altered our perceptions, as well as our reality. I am living these lyrics every damn day. The news and social media both make me want to light myself and everything around me on fire. Well, mostly just everything around me. If I only had a dragon.

I'm really jealous of this woman right now.

Am I the only one who believes we are headed for an unmitigated disaster just in time for the holidays? Here’s the scenario I envision-

Isn’t this great? All of us together, while maintaining social distancing?’

Sure, but how do we pass the food without getting near each other?’

‘How am I supposed to eat with a fucking mask on?’

‘Good god, dumbass, take it off while you are eating. Duh.’

‘You voted for HIM?!’

‘Why doesn’t my football team have a name? How am I supposed to sing the fight song when they score? What is happening to this country?’

‘Yes, I believe Q-Anon is an anonymous high ranking patriot warning us of the danger of Hollywood elite pedophiles and sex traffickers. Did you know Tom Hanks is involved? He and his wife became Greek citizens so they can flee the country. Did you know they eat children?’

‘Wouldn’t that make them cannibals, not pedophiles?’

‘All lives matter, you say? What about that turkey you are devouring?’

‘Well, that’s different. It’s food.’

‘Animals don’t count because they are food? Should we eat the dog for dessert?’

‘Of course not! What an awful thing to say.’

‘So, what you’re saying is that some lives matter more than others.’

‘Oh, good lord. You sure know how to ruin a perfectly nice dinner.’

“It’s not so nice for the turkey though, is it?’

‘Here’s an analogy that might help you understand why the Black Lives Matter movement is important- imagine you are in a car accident and you uninjured, but your passenger has a head wound, broken bones, and is unconscious. Who would matter more in that circumstance?’

‘Who was in an accident? Are they okay?’

‘You sent in your ballot? Did you vote twice? Because I heard you could do that.

‘No, that’s actually a felony.’

‘But the president said it was okay.’

‘Please pass me anything with alcohol in it.’

'You know this whole Covid thing is a hoax.’

‘So, the entire world is going along with it just to fake us out?’

‘No, the football players are not disrespecting the flag. You’re really not going to watch the game because someone is kneeling? Should I have been offended when you got down on one knee to propose? Why were you disrespecting me like that?’

‘Honey, you’re done cutting the turkey, Please put the knife down.’

‘Where is the wine? Why didn’t you buy more alcohol?’

‘Does anyone have any painkillers? Because this get together is becoming unbearably painful.’

‘Yeah, I’ll say the prayer- Fuck this year. Amen.’

Maybe you have a normal family. The kind who hold their tongues and behave in a civilized manner. That would not be mine. We don’t have an inclination to think before speaking, nor do we seem to have the ability to apologize when we clearly should. We may be dysfunctional, but we sure know how to adapt, which is small comfort in these potentially end times.

Am I being melodramatic? Perhaps. Am I subsisting on wine and Xanax these days? Maybe. Do I wish NC would legalize weed? Absofuckinglutely.

Do I think something terrible may happen after the election? Yes. I’m sure of it. I’ve never hoped so hard that I am wrong about anything in my entire life.

Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow, we’ll die.-DMB