These Boobs Are Made for Walkin’

I’ve been going to the gym frequently for the past several months. I walk on the treadmill, lift some weights, and call it a day. I watch people running and think that would be so much better for getting in shape faster- until I remember that if I ran, I would end up with two black eyes and a chest that looks like a naked tribal woman from National Geographic- pointing straight down and resting on my hip bones like two lethargic babies. When I run up or down stairs, I have to hold them to my chest, like Jeffrey Epstein holds little girls.

The struggle is real.

I was fitted for a brassiere a few years back and was stunned to realize that there are cup sizes that span almost half the alphabet, and that mine was pretty far down that list. Sigh...goodbye pretty bras.

I always had a normal sized chest until, well, until I didn’t. They sprung up on me suddenly, like a shark on a tourist at a North Carolina beach.

Big chested ladies, broads, bitches, queens...however you refer to yourself (and perhaps even a few of you men); you understand in a way that no one else can. We all know that even with the choicest, most expensive, fantastically reviewed accoutrement to hold up our ginormous tata’s, there is always a trade-off.

All of you who are unencumbered with protruding nipple balloons- did you know we can actually get a rash from the damn contraption, even if the band fits correctly? That we have perpetual back issues from overcompensating for the extra weight of our milk vessels?

We also have to spend more on clothing because everything that doesn’t make it in our mouth while eating or drinking falls directly on the material covering our indelible mammary shelf or may be lost forever somewhere inside said shelf. I seriously need to buy stock in Shout stain remover. I use so much of it that I’m considering adding it to my smoothies and letting it fight stains from the inside out. I'm also thinking about getting a patent for a boob crumb vacuum.

I'll eat it, too.

To anyone wanting to add heft to their upper frontal pectoral area-talk to a large chested woman before you decide anything. If you want it for yourself, have at it. If a man wants it for you, tell him he needs to enlarge his self-esteem and then you’ll think about it.

Now, for all you youngsters, the title of this post is a play on this kick ass song by Nancy Sinatra...